City Life Starter

The following are responses for the questions submitted on the first week of the Love and Marriage Series which were not addressed in the panel. It is not an exhaustive list, so if your questions are still needing answered, please seek out one of the pastors or elders. Thank you for all the questions and we pray that these responses will help guide you through your marital and dating relationships.

Topic: Intimacy

How can you help a husband who is not very romantic take steps to build romance?

One of the hardest things about marriage is wanting to change the other person in specific ways and not swing able to. We have the ability to influence one another, but the change has to be personal and ultimately come from the Spirit’s guidance and conviction. We change by being in the presence of the Lord through prayer, the Scripture, church community and spiritual practices. Ultimately Scripture states in Romans 2:4, “4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” His kindness and grace towards us is meant to lead us to repentance. In this same way nagging, or complaining to your spouse will not change them the way we would wish. Rather leading the way in grace allows truth to be revealed to one another.

Steps towards this involve not just stating what you want to happen, but more helpfully beginning to build some of those elements you’d like to see into your marriage and encouraging growth towards those actions. It’s always helpful to be clear about your desires with your spouse, without condemnation, but rather appealing to ways you desire to be loved. I would not do this without also asking ways you could improve or love them better in ways they desire to be loved. As Kacee and I often say, “Communication is the foundation of every relationship.” That being said, it’s not enough to just communicate, but how and when you communicate matters as well. This forces you to know what you mean by romance as well and clearly articulate what that looks like. You both could have different definitions of what it means to be romantic and could be having relational fly-bys continuously. This is where I would start and go from there.

-Chris Pate

Is a platonic marriage sinful (no sex)?

1 Corinthians 7:3-6 speaks to this. Sex within marriage is a command and we are told not to deprive one another of it. Being married without sex will only leave room for Satan to come in and destroy the marriage because of temptation. That’s why if you do abstain from sex it should only be for a short period and with a purpose such as prayer/fasting (which is a concession Paul gives, not a command). Though, the deeper question may be, why even get married if having a platonic marriage is what you’re looking for?

-Stefan Johnsson

Is there acceptable provocative content that couples can watch together to enhance or spice up their sexual intimacy?

Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”  Any provocative content would be within the definition of sexual immorality, because you would be lusting after another person(man or woman) who is made in the image of God. Sexual intimacy can grow through how you care and love for each other because we can easily drift apart when life is busy and the only time we spend together is through watching a movie or TV show.

-Stefan Johnsson

Is masturbation sinful or acceptable in marriage?  

As Christians adhering to traditional Christian teachings, we understand the concerns surrounding masturbation within marriage primarily through the lens of its impact on marital unity and spiritual health. From this perspective, masturbation is generally viewed as problematic because it does not align with the fundamental purposes of sexual expression within marriage, which are to foster procreation and deepen the intimate bond between spouses. Additionally, it often involves self-gratification rather than mutual sharing. It may be accompanied by impure thoughts, which can detract from the spiritual and emotional intimacy that marriage is meant to cultivate. As such, we encourage couples to focus on enhancing their mutual intimacy through open communication, shared spiritual practices, and seeking pastoral guidance to strengthen their marital bond and ensure that their sexual expressions are enriching their relationship and honoring their covenant before God.

-Ji Yun

Topic: Restoration

I chose to forgive but why can’t I forget that bad things happened?

Sometimes we may never truly forget the bad things. When we forgive, we take the burden of that other person’s sin and put it on our own shoulders. The other person may be free because of your forgiveness, but you end up carrying that sin for the rest of your life. This is an example of what Jesus did on the cross for us. He made us free, but took the shame and guilt on Himself. As someone once said, “you have to wake up each morning and choose to forgive that person each day.” It is an act of will more than anything. Overtime, that transgression done against you will subside and the details of the incident will begin to disappear. The second thing is that you have to turn this burden over to Jesus. He will make it easier to forgive through the power of the Holy Spirit.

-Stefan Johnsson

How should I navigate with being a partner to a broken person? How to deal with their insecurities and trauma while trying to maintain a healthy relationship?

The best thing is to give that person grace. It takes time to heal and for some people it can take years before God will fully restore them. You also have to understand that it is not your job to heal this person, but it’s the work of the Holy Spirit. You pray daily, you show the person God’s love and grace, and be an example of God’s love to them.

-Stefan Johnsson

Can a marriage truly heal and recover that suffered from infidelity? What does the healing process look like on this issue?

A marriage can heal and recover from infidelity through sincere repentance, genuine forgiveness, and a committed effort to rebuild trust, all underpinned by the hopeful promise of God’s grace and restoration.

-Ji Yun

Topic: Conflict

How can a spouse bring correction to the other without being critical?

A spouse can bring correction to the other without being critical by expressing concerns with love and respect, focusing on specific behaviors rather than character flaws, and encouraging dialogue that seeks mutual understanding and growth, all within the nurturing framework of kindness and grace.

-Ji Yun

What do you do when you have meddling in laws but the other doesn’t agree they are meddling?

Scripture very profoundly says that a fundamental part of the union of marriage is to leave and cleave. Genesis 2:24, says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” We don’t dishonor our parents by leaving them and cleaving onto our spouse and new family. This is not leaving all the great things they taught us or gave us, but rather taking those things and building onto them with my spouse, so what was my parents ceiling now becomes my floor to build on. Often parents don’t allow their child to outgrow them for fear they will be completely gone. Maybe the parent is controlling or living vicariously through their child. This is like a CEO that won’t leave the company when it’s time and allow it to grow into what it needs to grow into and adapt to a changing world. 

Here are some Scriptures and helpful questions to work through to determine how well you have or are leaving and cleaving to your spouse that I received from a Christian LPC, Grady Yarbrough, Jr.:

What is the biblical meaning of “Leave your parents?”

Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7, 8; Ephesians 5:31

What does it not mean?

Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2, 3; I Timothy 5:8

• List problems or potential problems (emotional, financial, social, spiritual) in your life as a result of not leaving mother and father.
• List problems or potential problems in your relationship with others (including: friends, authority figures, subordinates, significant other or spouse) as a result of not leaving mother and father.
• List problems in other’s lives (including: friends, authority figures, subordinates, significant other or spouse) that you suspect are the results form them not leaving their mother and father.

To leave your parents means your relationship to them may be radically different than you had as a child. You no longer relate as “child to parent” yet forever will be son or daughter to mother and father. Even if you had the “best” parents in the world, “leaving” is still important.

Use the following questions to help you define your “leaving.” Rate yourself then your significant other:

Not Accomplished 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Accomplished

• Have you forgiven your parents for all the hurts they may have caused you and for everything they didn’t do that you needed? Do you understand them and have compassion for their shortcomings? Do you not expect them to make up for anything from the past?
• Have you done everything within your power to seek their forgiveness of any hurts you may have caused them? If they have not forgiven you are  you living freely in the forgiveness of God?
• Have you accepted and appreciated all the good things they gave you however it was given? Are you seeking from mentors/friends what they did not give to you?
• Are you not overly or inappropriately dependent on your parents for affection, approval, assistance, or counsel, nor do you take responsibility for their lives in the same ways? Are you being an adult with them turning loose of unmet expectations? Are you trusting God as your authority?
• Are turning loose of false ideas and beliefs about yourself? Are you living out who you really are in God? Nothing more—nothing less?
• Are you establishing and maintaining healthy relationships with others?
• If married, is your spouse your human priority? Are you more concerned about your mate’s ideas, opinions, and practices than those of your parents? Are you not expecting your mate to become like or different from your parents? Are you getting to know your spouse for who they really are?

-Chris Pate

What is the role of accountability in marriage? Are husbands and wives supposed to keep each other accountable?

Ephesians 5:28 says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  Based on what Paul says, we should look to care and love for each other as if the other person is our own body. Would you let yourself fall into sin without wanting correction? As you become one through marriage, you are bound together in flesh and soul. In order to grow, it is important to encourage, uplift, and hold each other accountable in our walks of faith.

-Stefan Johnsson

What are some body language cues you can use to show your spouse that you are listening to them while they talk?

Put down your phone, turn to the other person, and look into their eyes. Sometimes we get busy with so many other things and we get used to multitasking on the job. You may be able to send a text, respond in a virtual call while also reading an email during work hours, but this type of behavior is not healthy at home in a marriage. You should be able to let go of what you have around you and try to be present in the moment. This is also important when meditating and spending time with God. As Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.”

-Stefan Johnsson

Topic: Singleness/Dating

How do I balance my desire for marriage and also being single? I’ve given God my desires, but unsure if they align with his will. How do I hold this tension?

Being single is a gift that many forget to take advantage of during the season that we are in it. I was in my mid-thirties when I met my wife and she was the same age. For me, having married so late, it gave me an opportunity to use the time being single to do ministry, study God’s word for long periods of time without distractions, develop lasting relationships, share the gospel and reach others for Christ, serve more at church, and write a book. Even though I do what I can now with all these things while being married, it is not the same as when I was single. When you get married, you split priorities between God and your spouse (1 Corinthians 7:33). This is not a bad thing, it’s just how we have to shift our priorities in life. Our time is the most precious resource we can give to God and marriage easily takes this away. Use it! I regret the amount of time I wasted when I was single in my early twenties and wish I could’ve made even more use of it. That’s why it’s one of the things I stress to any single person I meet who asks about marriage. God will bring you the spouse He has for you when the time is right. Your goal now is to follow Jesus, and to trust and obey Him.

-Stefan Johnsson

Do you HAVE to get married? Doesn’t Paul say otherwise?

This was touched briefly at service, but the quick answer is no. Paul does say in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 that is good to be unmarried if you can remain so, but if you cannot control your desires, then you should marry. So it’s not for everyone, but only those who feel called to remain single should and can control their sexual desires. This is an “and” statement, not an “or.”

-Stefan Johnsson

What are some wise spiritual boundaries that can be set in a dating relationship?

Don’t begin praying together until you’re married. You should be seeking after God’s will for you within this relationship while dating. Don’t let lust take over and wait for the initial connection/passion to settle so you can clearly see where God is leading you.

-Stefan Johnsson

How do you sort out feelings for a non-believer? Especially if they have feelings for you.

I experienced this many times while being single. It’s not easy and the best answer I could think of was that many times people let their emotions lead instead of their mind. People don’t take into consideration how important the faith aspect of our lives is because for them it’s not important. Many can say they believe in “something,” but how can one truly understand what it means to be born again when one has never been born again? You have to protect yourself and your heart. Do not be deceived or led astray because there’s only pain and hurt at the end of that tunnel. Do not entertain the relationship, even if the attention and affection tickles your fancy.

-Stefan Johnsson

The Apostle Paul addressed the issue in his second letter to the Corinthians where he said, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness.” 2 Cor. 6:14. Because God will not contradict His word, you can rest assured it is not His will for you to marry a non-Christian.. Knowing that, it is best not to even indulge such feelings. Knowing it is a dead-end can help. Also, feelings are fickle. Almost everyone who gets married has feelings for the person they are marrying, yet approximately 50% of all marriages in America end in divorce. That’s about the same percentage as correctly choosing red or black on the roulette wheel in Las Vegas. Feelings matter, but they should be guided first by the Word of God, in addition to good counsel from friends and family, and common sense.

-Scott Fiddler

For those thinking about marriage, what place does a prenuptial agreement have? Is that biblical? Is it wise? Is it right?

Prenuptial agreements in a Christian marriage context are not explicitly discussed in the Bible, but should be considered carefully for their implications on unity and trust, evaluated with prayer, open discussion, and wise counsel to align with biblical principles of lifelong commitment and stewardship.

-Ji Yun

Topic: Growth/Family

What role does community (other couples in your season of life, single friends, mentors, etc.) play in building a healthy marriage?

Community plays a pivotal role in building a healthy marriage by providing support, accountability, and diverse perspectives that enrich and strengthen the marital relationships. Engaging with other couples who are at a similar stage of life can offer encouragement and provide practical advice, sharing in the joys and also the challenges of the journey. Single friends and mentors contribute valuable insights, offering a broader social support system that can help prevent isolation. Mentors, in particular, can be instrumental by providing wisdom from their own experiences, guiding couples through difficulties, and celebrating successes, thereby fostering a nurturing environment that promotes a strong, healthy, and resilient marriage.

-Ji Yun

How important is it to have marriage mentors? What is their role?

Having marriage mentors is crucial in fostering a healthy and enduring relationship. Mentors serve as a supportive guide, offering wisdom gleaned from their own experiences in navigating marital challenges. Their role is multifaceted: they provide a safe space for discussing concerns, offer biblical and practical advice for conflict resolution, and encourage spiritual growth within the marriage. Mentors can act as role models, exemplifying how to maintain love and respect through various seasons of life. Additionally, they can offer accountability, helping couples stay committed to their vows and encouraging them to grow together rather than apart. This mentorship is invaluable in building a marriage that not only survives but thrives, deeply rooted in shared values and mutual support.

-Ji Yun

Topic: Marriage Roles

What does leading look like practically for you in your marriage?

From a complementarian perspective, leading in marriage involves a practical application of biblical principles where each spouse embraces distinct but complementary roles. In this view, the husband is typically seen as the head of the household, a role that includes providing spiritual direction, protecting, and loving his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Practically, this means taking initiative in spiritual matters such as prayer, Bible study, and ensuring the family is involved in church activities. It also involves making decisions that honor the welfare and unity of the family, done with a heart of service and love, seeking his wife’s input and valuing her insights.

The wife’s role, in this view, is to support and help her husband, respecting his leadership and working alongside him to manage the household and nurture their family (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6). This doesn’t mean passivity; rather, it involves active engagement in family matters, contributing her strengths and gifts, and offering wisdom and counsel. She upholds and encourages her husband’s leadership within the framework of mutual respect and love.

Both roles require humility, selflessness, and a commitment to serving one another, reflecting Christ’s sacrificial love. In daily practice, this might look like discussing major decisions together, leading family devotions, organizing family duties, and supporting each other’s spiritual growth and personal endeavors. This approach champions a partnership where each spouse’s unique contributions are vital to the flourishing of the marriage and family.

-Ji Yun

How do you make a big decision together? Ex: Moving states, picking a church, etc.

When I was dating my wife, I was very concerned with how this would look like for my career and work. She was studying for the USMLE’s, so she could complete a medical residency training in the U.S. This training may have brought her to any hospital throughout the U.S. Would I be willing to up and leave my career to follow her? While praying for this during the fast week in January that year, a fellow deacon told me that I should not be concerned with this. If God is bringing us together, our career goals and paths in life will align because God would not separate us if we followed Him. This word was truer than I imagined. Now my wife matched for her residency in Houston and it has allowed me to continue within my career. God aligned our paths. This goes also within any big decision. Both of you have to be okay with where God is leading you both and sometimes this may be clearer for one much earlier than the other. It is important to always seek God’s will in everything…together.

-Stefan Johnsson

What is the ultimate goal of marriage? Is it to fulfil our own desires OR for us to understand how Jesus relates with his church?

Martin Luther once responded to a Roman Catholic bishop regarding marriage. The bishop said that Martin Luther only forsook the Roman Catholic church so he could get married. His response was that he has grown more in sanctification within one year of marriage than in his entire life before that. We can understand so much more about God within marriage and be sharpened as believers which are a couple reasons God provides this for us.

-Stefan Johnsson

Should a Godly marriage mimic the Trinity’s lack of authoritative hierarchy? Is a man’s rule over his wife (Gen 3) something to be rejected and redeemed?

From a biblical perspective, the concept of marriage does not directly mimic the Trinity’s relationship in terms of hierarchy, but it does reflect a model of mutual interdependence and different roles. In complementarian thought, the husband’s leadership in the marriage is seen not as authoritarian rule but as loving, sacrificial headship modeled after Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:25-33). This leadership includes responsibility for the spiritual well-being of the family and a call to love and cherish his wife selflessly. Genesis 3 is viewed not as a prescriptive command for male dominance but as a description of the fallen state, which Christ’s redemptive work aims to restore, not by abolishing roles but by redeeming them so they are exercised in loving, godly ways. Thus, a godly marriage under this view upholds distinct roles with the husband leading in a Christ-like manner and the wife supporting this leadership, both striving for unity and mutual respect reflective of the relational harmony intended by God.

-Ji Yun

What are some practical ways a husband can disengage from work to concentrate on his family?

For both husbands and wives looking to effectively disengage from work to concentrate on family, setting clear boundaries around work hours is essential. This can be achieved by establishing specific times when work officially ends and family time begins, ensuring that work-related communications are paused or minimized during family hours. Utilizing technology settings such as ‘do not disturb’ can help minimize distractions from emails and work calls during family times. Both partners should make a concerted effort to plan regular family activities—like meals, outings, or evenings together—to reinforce the importance of family time. Open communication about work stress and its impact on family life is also crucial, allowing both spouses to support each other in maintaining a healthy work-life balance. This mutual approach not only enhances family relationships but also ensures that both partners are actively participating in and prioritizing their family commitments.

-Ji Yun

What aspects of Patriarchy are a gift to humanity, and which are a consequence of our fall?

From biblical perspective, aspects of patriarchy that are viewed as a gift to humanity include the clear structure and order it provides in family and societal roles. This view posits that leadership roles assigned predominantly to men, such as the headship of a household, are designed to mirror the protective, providing, and guiding nature of Christ’s relationship with the Church, promoting stability and harmony. However, the misuse of these roles—where power is exercised overbearingly or oppressively—is seen as a consequence of humanity’s fall into sin. This distortion leads to abuses and injustices that are not in line with the biblical ideal of loving, servant leadership. Thus, while the structure itself is seen as beneficial when aligned with biblical principles, the negative expressions of patriarchy are viewed as manifestations of fallen human nature, requiring redemption and transformation through Christ.

-Ji Yun